Friday, February 10, 2006
Not on the list
After weeks of anticipation...and praying...I pulled up the Kairos Prize site and was horrified to find that the semi-finalists had been announced. Since no one had contacted me, I already knew my name would not be on the list. But I scrolled through anyway, looking at the titles of screenplays that were obviously better than mine.
What did they write about?
What did I miss?
What was wrong with mine?
The thoughts tumbled around. It brought me back to the day of tryouts for Grease, our high school musical. I had paid my dues for two years singing in the chorus, I was ready for a part. Yet that day as I scanned the cast list for my name, I found it missing from that list as well. I wasn't even in the chorus.
All dressed up for a ball I'm not invited to.
It's all the harder because I really believed I was supposed to enter. I don't usually enter contests. But when I read about this one I had that sense inside me that I was supposed to write this screenplay, supposed to enter it. I did write the screenplay, I did enter it. And now - it's over? It just doesn't make any sense to me. I'm not sure what bothers me more, not making the cut, or feeling like I missed God's voice somehow.
Sitting here, it doesn't make any sense. In this temporal place, I cannot see the grand design God is working. Could I have just missed God? Sure. I'm a fallible human being after all. Perhaps my own hopes and dreams went out ahead of God. Or did God really tell me to do it? Maybe. Maybe He did, knowing something that I don't know yet. Maybe it was simply a lesson on obedience. Or a challenge to my faith to believe in Him, His voice, no matter what the circumstances say.
I could let this stop me. It's probably exactly what the enemy would prefer I do. I could give in to all those whispers of "You're a failure" and "You just don't measure up."
I could, but I won't.
I don't understand it. At all. But sometimes we have to roll with the punches and trust that God can see the big picture well enough to navigate us through the disappointments.
Meanwhile - well, I have a novel to work on...and kids to hug...and a life to live that is not valuable because of anything I do or don't do - but simply because I am His and He is mine.
For today, that has to be enough.