Give Me, Give Me

Did you know your moms can be selfish? I really don't like to admit it, but as a mom I've known to be selfish at times. I've hidden cookies so I could have them later, and I've extended my kids' nap time so I could read “one more chapter.” I've also gotten my family's schedule off track because I wanted to be the “good” mom. The mom who volunteered at church, who made it to Storytime at the library, and signed up my kids for all types of activities so I'd look as put together as my neighbor.

When my kids became teenagers, fixing their schedules to pump up my ego didn't work as well.

“Mom, I don't want to be in the homeschool production.”

“You want me to babysit for your group … even though it's my only free night? You're joking, right?”

“Mom, I'm not going to start a non-profit organization in my spare time … even if it will help me get better college scholarships!”

Of course, sometimes I'm no better when dealing with my husband. He's said “no” plenty of times when I've come to him about volunteering or adding on a new activity. “And, honey, just what are we going to cut out?” he often asks. (Good question!)

Whether it's the last cookie or a pat on the back, my selfish nature likes to flare up like a sunburn after a day at the waterslides. The best way to combat this—in big things and small—is to start my day thinking about others. (What a concept, I know!) These are questions I often ask myself:

If I could do one thing to put a smile on my husband's face, what would it be?

What have I been promising to do with my kids that I haven't gotten around to?

Of course when I'm being selfish, usually my family isn't the only one missing out. This self-focus spills over and often effects my extended family, friends, and even God. I don't know about you, but there are times I know what I could do that could make God happy, but my stubborn heart doesn't want to go there. Knowing that, here's another question:

What could I say, what could I do, to offer myself to God more than I did yesterday?

And you know what the amazing is? God's way works. I think selfishness makes me happy, but it never does. Likewise, even when I drag my feet to serve, I discover joy on the other side.

Proverbs 20:5 talks about this, “Knowing what is right is like deep water in the heart, a wise person draws from the well within.” At the end of the day when I know what's right … and I do it … I am refreshed.

Speaking of which, I have a husband who I bet would love a back rub and a son who needs some one-on-one time. And, I think I'll lift up my heart, and my voice, in some praise songs as I shower today. I'm sure that'll make God smile. And I'll be smiling too.

What We Don't Know

Every once in awhile I simply have to watch an old movie; awhile back I chose the 1948 classic I Remember Mama. Throughout the story, told through the eyes of a teenage girl named Katrin, a Norwegian family experiences the ups and downs of life in early-1900s San Francisco, held together by the strength and resourcefulness of Mama. Mama is a hard worker who adores her children and wants to give them a promising life. Katrin and her siblings grow up knowing that Mama has a bank account, set aside for emergencies. Strangely, whenever an emergency comes up—such as when the little sister needs an operation—Mama always finds some other way to cover the expense (usually by getting a job temporarily or sacrificing something dear to her). Katrin eventually learns the truth: there is no bank account. Mama confesses that she made it up so her children would always feel secure. She didn’t want them to fear going hungry or not having what they needed.

Mama’s desire to protect her sons’ and daughters’ hearts touched me deeply, even if she did technically lie to them. It makes me think of my parents, who raised two visually impaired girls (including me) but never had vision insurance. I had no clue that Mom and Dad paid for all of our glasses and vision aids out of pocket, or that Grandma and Grandpa paid for them occasionally. We always had what we needed, never fearing that new glasses might mean less groceries or clothes. Like Mama, they didn’t want us to worry, or feel bad about needing expensive prescriptions.

Now my desire is that I will know when to follow their example and protect my kids from information that might cause them fear or unnecessary stress. Of course I won’t lie to them. But, as I clearly did not need to know about Dad’s lack of coverage for glasses when I was twelve years old, my boys don’t need to know how hard I pray that enough funds will come in to cover the mortgage and homeowner’s insurance in time when we also have back-to-school expenses looming.

So, why am I telling you this when you clearly aren’t parents? My hope is that you will consider what your mom and dad hold back and why. When have you discovered that they protected you from a truth that would have been too big for you to handle at the time? How have your parents helped you feel secure by NOT letting you in on everything right away? On the other hand, when have you benefitted from their tough-but-true honesty (such as, “I’m sorry, we can’t afford to send you to that college.”)?

Thank God for times when He provided security by keeping you sheltered from what you didn’t need to know, and for knowing when you were strong enough to handle the truth.

Teen Moms

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
—Franklin P. Jones, writer

Ugh. Sometimes being a parent can be so frustrating. Just as you’re finally working on your English essay or you’re at a good place in the movie, your child needs your attention. It’s as if he has an internal sensor that says, “Start crying, kid. Your mom is really busy now.”

Of course, when is a good time to be interrupted? Something always fills our time or takes our attention. That’s where perspective comes in. Perspective is viewing what happens today in light of the future. It’s considering what’s really important and contemplating what will matter to us five, ten, or twenty years from now. Then it’s planning our time and our goals accordingly.

Life as I See It
My fiancé and I were both excited about my pregnancy until reality set in. Then we were scared that we wouldn’t have enough money, enough space in our apartment, and worried that I wouldn’t be able to finish school. After we talked to some of our friends, we realized that we had plenty of support and would be able to figure things out.
—Amanda, Ontario, Canada

Change of Perspective
When we become mothers we think about things we never considered before—such as being a good role model or scheduling play into our day. We worry about vaccinations, pollution, and too much sexiness on TV. We see the world in a different light, mainly because we’ve brought a precious child into it.

Life as I See It
Before I was pregnant, all I wanted to do was get out of my mom’s house. Now that I have a child, I wish I could just go back and have my mom take care of me—but that’s not possible.
—Jessica, Montana

Being a mom has changed the way I think. I worry about things that I never worried about before. We went on vacation, and we had to fly. I have never had any problems with flying, but knowing that my baby was on the plane really upset me.
—Jessica, Florida

If I didn’t have my daughter, I wouldn’t be going to college or bettering myself. I would be one of those kids you see on the street drunk by noon. When I think of that, I appreciate her that much more.
—Jamie, Montana

Here’s another example of perspective:
Once there were two shoe salesmen who went to Africa to open new sales territories. Three days after they arrived, the first salesman faxed a message: “I will be returning on the next plane. I can’t sell shoes here. Everyone goes barefoot all the time.”

There was no report from the second salesman for about two weeks. Then came a fat, airmail envelope with this message for the home office. “Fifty orders enclosed. Prospects unlimited. Nobody here has shoes.”

When you became pregnant, it may have been difficult to consider your pregnancy in a positive light. You may have been like the first shoe salesman who simply focused on the negative and felt like walking away.

Of course you couldn’t walk away. You’re a mom now. Now you see the world with “mothering” eyes.

You’ve discovered there is a second way to look at your situation. Like the second salesman, you see the potential. Motherhood has become a time to reconsider your future. A time to clarify your goals. Or maybe it’s a time to take a different path.

Excerpt from Life Interrupted: The Scoop on Being a Young Mom, Zondervan Publishing
© Tricia Goyer, 2003