Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Silently Suffering from Abortion

I sank into the rocker, and my fingers trembled as they touched my lips. The television news was reporting the murder of a little girl. A photo of her beautiful face flashed across the screen, and my heart pounded. I didn’t know the victim, yet the newscaster’s words echoed through my thoughts. It seemed he was no longer talking about the girl, but about another helpless victim—the baby I aborted in 1987. In my heart he was speaking directly to me: “She was innocent. She didn’t have a chance to fight for life. Her future was snatched from her.”

Pain coursed through my chest as I was unwillingly taken back to my sophomore year in high school and my secret sins—the shame of getting pregnant, the denial that I held life within my womb and finally the abortionist’s clinic.

Like many women who seek help for an unplanned pregnancy, I was told there was no baby—only a blob of tissue. I was told an abortion would be best. It would be over before I knew it. How wrong they were. And, how wrong I was to succumb to the lies, believing I was having a simple procedure and I would soon be free. If an abortion promised freedom why did pain shackle my heart? Why was I ashamed to tell anyone of my choice? Why was I silently suffering?

My experience that day in front of the television was not uncommon. It occurred many times in many ways. Ten years later I was married to a Christian man and had three, beautiful children, but all the good in my life couldn’t erase the mistake of my past. In Bible Study, when my friends spoke out against abortion, I put on a strong face, guarding the tears that desired to break free. I was sure they would hate me if they only knew—after all, I hated myself.

Some nights, images of my moments on the doctor’s table flooded my head like evil voodoo dancers—spinning, growing, mocking me. Would I ever find relief? I was a Christian, and I knew God had forgiven me. But could I ever forgive myself? Would regret forever hold me in bonds of shame and silence?

The fact is that one out of every four women in the United States have had an abortion. Do you know one of them? For them the pain from abortion can include depression, numbness, guilt and much more.

Thankfully, I found healing through a Bible Study Forgiven and Set Free. If you know someone who needs help, the rest of My Story can be read at here.

When I was fifteen-years-old and on the abortionist's table, I thought I'd found the only way. I now know that wasn't the case. Yet Jesus has shown me He can provide healing from the past--no matter how painful.


T. Suzanne Eller (Suzie) said...

Thank you, Tricia, for sharing such an honest, amazing post.

sally apokedak said...

Thanks, Tricia, for the post.

And my bil way up in Alaska told me to tell you, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," for the books. He loves them.

Thinking about that, it looks to me like God has redeemed that painful time in your life. It all helps you to write with depth and to sympathize with others who are in pain. What a great and merciful Father we have.

Tricia Goyer said...

Yes, I write with a lot of pain and compassion. In addition to my abortion, I also was born to a single mother (my biological father wasn't in the picture until I was 25), and I had a baby at age seventeen with a boyfriend who abandoned us. Looking back, I discover, my non-fiction books and novels deal a lot with shame, pain, and abandonment. But, because of Christ, they also highlight liberation, freedom, and peace through Jesus!

Jeanne Damoff said...

Thanks for sharing this, Tricia. May your story reach many and, as a result, many innocent lives be saved.

Camy Tang said...

Wow, this is so powerful. Thanks, Tricia.

Carrie T. Rivera said...


I honor your incredible courage in sharing this. I cannot imagine your pain or the terror you were experiencing at that time in your life. God Bless you for laying it bare to help others.